going home for sad things
My grama had told me for as long as I can remember that I was going to be a teacher one day, and because I never wanted to do anything that wasn’t my idea first – much like the rest of my family that shares my last name – I told her that the chance of that happening was unlikely, though it was a very sweet thought. Even towards the end, when her mind started to slip as the mind has a cruel habit of doing, I would still walk through the doors of her home to see her sitting in her chair next to Pop-Pop and one of the first things she would ask me was, “Have you ever thought about becoming a teacher?”
And I’m so, so glad I got to see the look on her face when I finally told her “yes.” The know-it-all smile and laugh that she gave because she knew it all along and I had finally caught up to her. She also said I would travel and do good things in the world and have a beautiful family and write a book one day (that would be dedicated to her, of course), and I think it would be in my best interest to believe her.
She passed before I made it home, which I think was the hardest part for me. My biggest fear of leaving home was something going wrong and I wouldn’t be there for it and when that actually became a reality instead of just an intrusive thought it didn’t feel real at all. It still doesn’t. I had made it 26 years without being touched by the weight that is grief, and when it finally landed it didn’t feel nearly as heavy as I thought it would because I had already worried myself gray over the possibility that the reality of it came quiet, unassuming, and looking nothing at all like I thought it would. Everyone, with their solemn voices muffled from their tight, tight hugs would say, “You’re supposed to come home for happy things.” And while I associate the word home with every synonym of happiness that exists, I sure am grateful that home is somewhere where the sad things can live too, and is only there because the happiness is so great.
My parents’ house was full of family, our refrigerator was full of food, and while a dry eye was few and far between my heart was full as well. And though her chair next to Pop-Pop’s sits empty, she’s still very much there, with her stories being recalled over card games and her recipes being made on the stove and her know-it-all smile on my dad’s face and her family living in the love she made for us.
Leaving that and coming back to Costa Rica has been hard. Here are some beautiful things that keep me going:
I love my job. My students are doing really well and I feel such a sense of pride and joy as I leave my classroom each day. I wonder what exactly it was that my grama saw in me to know this was my calling. Whatever it was, I feel so lucky to have it.
There’s a spot on the way up to San José de la Montaña that you can drive through at night and see more lightning bugs than you could ever think possible. It’s every bit as magical as you can imagine it would be.
Taylor Swift’s new album. Because crying over her songs is more fun than crying about my sad things.
My family came to visit in March and my dad told me, “I see why you love it here,” and that meant the whole wide world to me.
While my family was here, my mom went ziplining with us and hearing her laugh as she was flying over La Fortuna waterfall was medicine for the soul.
My brother and sister happen to be the coolest people I’ve ever met and Katelyn’s coming back to visit me soon.
I spend every Thursday night with Lauren getting really dizzy at a dance hall learning how to Salsa.
I’m going home for happy things in July, with my family and my lover and boat days and sunshine and afternoon thunderstorms and watermelon seeds and visits with my best friend and fireworks for Lauren’s birthday and Everglades seasoning and biscuits and gravy and deer roasts and the orange light over my parents’ kitchen table and playing Rook with my brother and staying up late talking with my sister and driving my car and visits with Pop-Pop and telling everyone that the reason I love it so much in Costa Rica is because I have so much love that meets me every time I come back home. My heart has room for so much more.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for reading. Love you, always and forever,
♡ Shelbie